closing my eyes
holding my breath
praying to God
hoping for the best

For You

There's a girl you look at and say,
"Wow, she really must got it all together."

Because she's always seems so cheerful, so joyful,
so happy wherever she goes.

Smiling and laughing,

waving at everyone she knows,

You wonder,

(perhaps even with some annoyance and jealousy despite your guilt for feeling so),

"Why is her life so great? What does she have that I don't?"

And you never consider,

that maybe her life isn't all that different from yours-

That she has her troubles,
her insecurities,

her fumbling doubts too.

Her moments of weakness-

that she just doesn't like to show (like you do).

And one day, it hits you,

and you finally do start to consider.

(Your annoyance and jealousy melts and they become replaced by curiousity and admiration.)

You see her smile and you think,
"Maybe it's not because she doesn't feel sadness like I do,

but because she knows that there's always a reason to."

There's a girl you look at and say,

"Wow, I wish I could be more like her."

And maybe she knows people look at her that way.

And then again, maybe she doesn't, but really should.

YES!!!!!

I got int YTI (Youth Theological Initiative) Academy!

"The YTI Summer Academy gathers thirty-six rising high school juniors and
seniors from across the country to Emory University for a three-week experience
in Christian theological education. Our goal is to cultivate public theologians
for the church and world."

YAY! OHMYGOSH! :D

Tumblr (haeunxcho.tumblr.com) will just be my music/image blog. I just can't write my personal thoughts on there. It feels too public- which I guess is kind of ironic considering this is a public internet site too, but, oh well! For the most part, I know which of you are reading this, so I feel more comfortable expressing :) Anyway... to the real topic.

So today I was thinking a lot about the whole concept of waiting. You know what they say:

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." -
Proverbs 4:23

I remember I use to say, "No boyfriends till college." That was to be my policy throughout highschool. Truth be told- half of the reason I said it was because I didn't ever expect to be in a relationship ever. But here I am, in one, and now I'm not so sure what to do with that old policy of mine. It's too late to say, "I'm waiting till college." And don't get me wrong, I'm pretty happy with where I am. Everday I'm learning- and the stuff that I'm learning is only that real-life stuff you get from experience. I'm actually really happy these- happy to the point where it scares me a lot... and then that's when I get bleh, because I start overthinking.

In any case, I'm still kind of confused. There's that whole idea of waiting and keeping your heart for that one person later and then there's that whole idea of taking a chance and living in the moment. AH!

You can't erase the past. It's always going to be there, right? So if you do something now, it's going to be marked in your history forever. It's going to be written all over your memory, written all over your heart.

I remember one time in the summer my mom and I were walking on the beach at Panama. I was asking her questions about when she was younger- when she dated people, etc, etc. (I was venting about someone at that time.) It was kind of weird hearing her talk about the "oppa" she liked- a relationship she had in college. It felt weird because my mom was talking about another man- a man that wasn't my dad.

I remember being told this metaphor about how your love is like a pearl necklace. Everytime you give away a part of your heart to someone it's like giving away a part of that necklace. Give your heart away so many times and all your "final soulmate" is left with is that little bit.

I also remember being told you should save your love for that special person because it's going to save that person a lot of hurt later. Which I understand- it would be kind of uncomfortable to think of how the person you really love was with someone else.

I mean, I've always liked the idea of "one life, one love" too- but I've been starting to wonder, is that just too much of my own fantasy, too much of my own hopeless romanticism?

I'm not gonna lie. I overthink. It's just a natural tendancy I suppose. But I'm so confused. How do you "guard your heart" exactly? Where do you draw the line? Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly living in fear- in fear of something that I don't even know is going to happen. Everyone thinks I'm an optimist, but there's times when I feel really insecure.

I'm so use to being independent. I never liked letting people get too close. People get to me and I get attached pretty quickly.

I think I'm more fragile than I'd like to admit. There's so much pride in me and I just don't want to look stupid again.

10 Apologies to 10 Different People:

I’m sorry I expect too much from you a times.

I’m sorry I don’t put in as much effort in our frienship as I should.

I’m sorry for hurting you the way I did.

I’m sorry I judged you so quickly and didn’t give you a chance.

I’m sorry I didn’t listen.

I’m sorry I don’t call.

I’m sorry I don’t call back.

I’m sorry I’m not always there for you when you need me.

I’m sorry I’m not the best daughter.

I’m sorry I took you for granted.

I’m sorry- just for a lot of different reasons I can’t explain.

9 Confessions to 9 Different People:

I think you’re amazing. You’re absolutely gorgeous and beautiful in so many ways. I don’t think you always see it- but I do.

I think you’re starting to get to me. It scares me because I don’t want to get hurt again.

I really hope you’re my “big brother” even when I’m old and forty.

I don’t know what I’m going to do when you graduate.

I think you are such a good person. You’re always there for me no matter how long its been. I don’t think you should be so nice to me. I hope I can be there for you like you were there for me one day.

I don’t think I’m ever going to forget what you did to me. There’s always going to be a little bit of resentment.

Everytime I see you, I feel like I should be more like you.

I wish I could be as pretty as you.

I just don’t think your trustworthy.

8 Things You Wish You Could Say to 8 Different People:

You deserve an award for being the most generous person I’ve ever met.

I don’t understand how you can like so many girls so often. Everytime you make it sound like it’s ”different” like you actually mean it- like she’s the “one.” You say that you changed and I want to believe it too. But I don’t get it. How come everytime the end-result is the same? When are you going to see the true value of a relationship?

You are a great person. I wish I could tell you everday till you believed me.

You’re so confusing and I can’t ever tell what you’re thinking. I think you’re scared- just like me. So maybe you need to take a chance. Maybe you need to believe.

Don’t you ever lose hope. Don’t you ever feel lonely. You’re going to end up with such a wonderful person one day. You deserve the best!

Sometimes you can be quite a bit obnoxious…

Thank you. You don’t even know why. But thank you for everything.

That was harsh- but you taught me a valuable lesson.

7 Different People You Miss

Too many to name :)

6 Different People You’d Do Anything For

Too hard to answer :(

5 Things You Wish to Accomplish Before You Die

Fall in love.

Get married!

Have a family…

Add some good-

Find out what in the world I was put here for…

4 Words to Describe Your Life

Unpredictable

Confusing

Hopeful

Exciting

3 Things You Want to Hold on to Forever

Love

Family

Friends

2 Most Important Things in Your Life

Let me figure this out :)

1 Thing You know You Want but Will Never Have

Full Security of the Heart…

You cannot save people. You can only love them.

It's so true- YOU can't save anybody. You can try. You can try by reprimanding them, telling them their life is in ruins. But what's the point? It won't do anything.

It's so true- YOU can only love them. It's more effective anyway. So stop the talking and preaching and show them what you believe is so important.

If there's anything that's going to save this word it's love.
Love is the universal anecdote to hate and pain.

Thoughts of the Day

1. I need to reconnect with God. He's the missing link in my life right now.
2. The weather is absolutely gorgeous today!
3. Jealousy is a self-destructive feeling... I don't like it.
4. I want to watch the Notebook, Dear John, A Walk to Remember, and all the other Nicholas Sparks movies.
5. Everyone could use a nice picnic just about now- some time to eat, laugh, and play.
6. Please don't be so so sad. You don't need her to be happy.
7. My best friend Sandra deserves the most handsomest, nice boy!
8. I can't wait till the weekend.
9. It almost feels like summer.
10. Everything is going to be okay...
11. Have courage! Don't be afraid.
12. Life is quite pleasant.
13. I'm starting to get use to this.

I Miss You

I miss you. That is all.

There's just something about today that makes me smile. I stepped outside and everything seemed alright. It wasn't too hot. It wasn't too cold. And for that brief second, I thought my life was perfect.

Hahahahaha. My life perfect? What a joke! But after laughing at that thought, I really started to think- and well, I came to a happy conclusion.

My life is good. Very good. Yeah, not perfect. But perfections a drag ;) And I don't mean this in a "IN YOUR FACE! MY LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER!" No no no. I mean it in a- "My life is so much better than I make it sound with all my complaining."

Sometimes I dwell on the little things too much. This week I was getting so caught up in the future I was losing sight of what was right in front of me. It's so easy to see the flaws, the reasons why things won't work. But when you take a step back, and look, really look at what you have. You'd be surprised.

Today I'm just feeling so grateful. Everytime I go to homegroup my day starts off on a brighter note. It reminds me of all the wonderful things God has done for me. Even though my relationship with God isn't strong as it should be right now. I am constantly reminded of how much He loves me. I'm so thankful for the people in my life. I know I don't appreciate what I have enough because my own unrealistic expectations. But, right now, I don't think I could ask for more.

you can be happy tomorrow. you can be happy when you get through your list of things to do. you can be happy when you meet the one. you can be happy when you get the right job. you can be happy when you get that raise. you can be happy when you stop buying the things you need and start buying the things you want. you can be happy when you retire. you can be happy when the weather suits you. you can be happy on a plane.you can be happy in the rain. or you can stop reading this, take a deep breath, and be happy right now.

Dear God,
What should I be doing right now?

"We sit silently and watch the world around us. This has taken a lifetime to learn. It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox." [this one's actually from the notebook]

Sometimes I wish I could just gather up all my favorite people and give them a huge hug.

Sometimes I wish I could extend time and make moments last forever.

Sometimes I wish I could lay down on a great big hill in the middle of night and just stare at the stars.

Sometimes, I don't care how silly it seems. Sometimes, I just want to believe.