Tumblr (haeunxcho.tumblr.com) will just be my music/image blog. I just can't write my personal thoughts on there. It feels too public- which I guess is kind of ironic considering this is a public internet site too, but, oh well! For the most part, I know which of you are reading this, so I feel more comfortable expressing :) Anyway... to the real topic.

So today I was thinking a lot about the whole concept of waiting. You know what they say:

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." -
Proverbs 4:23

I remember I use to say, "No boyfriends till college." That was to be my policy throughout highschool. Truth be told- half of the reason I said it was because I didn't ever expect to be in a relationship ever. But here I am, in one, and now I'm not so sure what to do with that old policy of mine. It's too late to say, "I'm waiting till college." And don't get me wrong, I'm pretty happy with where I am. Everday I'm learning- and the stuff that I'm learning is only that real-life stuff you get from experience. I'm actually really happy these- happy to the point where it scares me a lot... and then that's when I get bleh, because I start overthinking.

In any case, I'm still kind of confused. There's that whole idea of waiting and keeping your heart for that one person later and then there's that whole idea of taking a chance and living in the moment. AH!

You can't erase the past. It's always going to be there, right? So if you do something now, it's going to be marked in your history forever. It's going to be written all over your memory, written all over your heart.

I remember one time in the summer my mom and I were walking on the beach at Panama. I was asking her questions about when she was younger- when she dated people, etc, etc. (I was venting about someone at that time.) It was kind of weird hearing her talk about the "oppa" she liked- a relationship she had in college. It felt weird because my mom was talking about another man- a man that wasn't my dad.

I remember being told this metaphor about how your love is like a pearl necklace. Everytime you give away a part of your heart to someone it's like giving away a part of that necklace. Give your heart away so many times and all your "final soulmate" is left with is that little bit.

I also remember being told you should save your love for that special person because it's going to save that person a lot of hurt later. Which I understand- it would be kind of uncomfortable to think of how the person you really love was with someone else.

I mean, I've always liked the idea of "one life, one love" too- but I've been starting to wonder, is that just too much of my own fantasy, too much of my own hopeless romanticism?

I'm not gonna lie. I overthink. It's just a natural tendancy I suppose. But I'm so confused. How do you "guard your heart" exactly? Where do you draw the line? Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly living in fear- in fear of something that I don't even know is going to happen. Everyone thinks I'm an optimist, but there's times when I feel really insecure.

I'm so use to being independent. I never liked letting people get too close. People get to me and I get attached pretty quickly.

I think I'm more fragile than I'd like to admit. There's so much pride in me and I just don't want to look stupid again.