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"And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older and you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened.'"

I've grown to be incredibly lazy lately- especially towards relationships. For some odd, terrible reason I've found it simply "easier" to let them be. Let them be as in, well, put no effort in. See, I've come to this ignorant conclusion in a way of thinking that: rather than to confront and work at problems in a relationship it's acutally quite, no in fact, much easier and less emotionally-draining to "pretend" that no problem ever existed. After an apt amount of time convincing yourself it really doesn't matter which way or another if you have a problem with that person, well, you get to thinking maybe their isn't a problem... it's a problem for them and a problem you don't need to deal with. It's a horrible philosophy and I don't recommend it. But I've used it. And lately, I've noticed... a lot of other people have started using it too.

So I guess for me, it's all been about the bad experiences. But let me tell you, it's one of the most terrible excuse for things. For one, if you keep using it, after awhile you get to thinking really selfishly. You get to thinking that it's not your fault for anything and whoever says else wise is either stupid or mean. And well my friends, I think we can both agree on one thing, blaming everyone else for your mistakes is not a good thing. So, taking the incredibly difficult task of investing your entire heart into something, only to be returned by having that thing, or person, or whatever it is, disappoint you in some way or another... is well... pretty devastating. So with that logic you'd think, maybe avoiding investing your entire heart into something, will keep you from being disappointed and devastated by that thing, person, whatever way you want to say it. But NO that's so beyond the scope of reality, the truth is you end up hurting yourself way more than you think.

I think as we get older we make up a lot of way to avoid being hurt by peoples. Some people try using humor to mask up their insecurities, others completely consume themselves in work or music or athletics to focus on some other thing, and well, some people like me... make up a long list of requirements that is impossible to reach by anybody. I am so judgmental about relationships. I analyze everything. AND I am the biggest hypocrite. All of this has been embedded in my personality and way of thinking, simply for the reason that I don't want to get my heartbroken. But who says being heartbroken is a bad thing?

I keep saying people as if I'm referring to other members of our society but really, I'm talking about me. I've built up this wall since- who knows when. And the things is. I've learned, building up a wall is a lot of hard work. Maintaining it is just as "emotionally-draining". Keeping people out, when really you want them to be closer to you, is lonely. And wanting to feel things, experience things, is incredibly difficult when something is blocking you.

Last year I went to Nashville for a mission trip and it was their that I realized being vulnerable is a good thing. I realized... sometimes, heartbreak can be a good thing. As one person says,

"Because when a heart breaks, it also opens; and once a heart opens any number of things can happen, and some of them can be wonderful."

I suppose if your ever want to experience true happiness or true joy you need to experience and understand true sorrow and pain. It opens your eyes to so many things. You can't see through a wall and that's why a wall ruins relationships. Because a wall makes you selfish. Consumed by only what you think and care to think. Sure people can break it for you, but thing about that is, well it's still being lazy. And that's where it all started, didn't it?

At first I thought my little scheme was working, and I thought I could keep up with it. But it seems that everytime I try keeping people away from me, I end up missing them more than I had ever imagined. And people aren't disposable objects. No, their precious. And we need to treasure those people we care about. We really need to. Cause ultimately, we really need them and maybe, they really need us too. (Plus, walls don't really seem to be a good idea anyway... Berlin Wall, Great Wall of China, eh not really good plan.)

"make a wish and place it in your heart. anything you want, everything you want. do you have it? good. now believe it can come true. you never know where the next miracle is going to come from. the next smile, the next wish come true. but if you believe that it's right around the corner, and you open up your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you just might get the thing you're wishing for. the world is full of magic. you just have to believe in it. so make your wish. do you have it? good. now believe in it with all of your heart." -- one tree hill

Only Hope

Only Hope - Switchfoot
There's a song that's inside of my soul. It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again I'm awake in the infinite cold. But you sing to me over and over and over again. So, I lay my head back down. And I lift my hands and pray To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours I know now you're my only hope. Sing to me the song of the stars. Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again. When it feels like my dreams are so far Sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again. So I lay my head back down. And I lift my hands and pray To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours I know now, you're my only hope. I give you my destiny. I'm giving you all of me. I want your symphony, singing in all that I am At the top of my lungs, I'm giving it back. So I lay my head back down. And I lift my hands and pray To be only yours, I pray, to be only yours I pray, to be only yours I know now you're my only hope.

Family

I can't believe I'm saying this... but I actually really miss my parents. My brother and I have been home alone for the last three days because my parents have been away on this pastor conference in Las Vegas. We've actually been quite self-efficient and life around the house has been wonderfully nice and pleasant. No nagging, no yelling, no arguements, it's been stress-free and free-rolling(: But as nice as that all seemed in the beginning, I started realizing I kind of miss the whole vibe of being a "family". Even with the chaos and craziness that may come with having my mom, my dad, my brother, and me together, in one place, I would by far deal with it then replacing it with anything.

My mom once told me my dad has always been more of a family person. I guess you could say he prefers family than meeting new people or hanging out with "friends". I've always been the opposite, but now I'm reconsidering. I suppose the beauty of family is you can always go back to them(: If I'm going through difficulties or any hardships I know I can turn to my mom. We don't always have the prettiest of relationships and it's true, she's not always there for me. But I know I can always rely on her and go to her when I really need it.

It's kind of strange how you can be surrounded by so many people everyday and yet feel the same type of loneliness as being by yourself. My parents being gone have really made me appreciate the type of relationship family creates. I miss closeness.

Time is flying

"And I learned what is obvious to a child. That life is simply a collection of little lives, each lived one day at a time. That each day should be spent finding beauty in flowers and poetry and talking to animals. That a day spent with dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered. But most of all, I learned that life is about sitting on benches next to ancient creeks with my hand on her knee and sometimes, on good days, for falling in love."
The Notebook (I must have read the Notebook a hundred times already... I kid (: maybe like three times.)

I can't believe school is almost over and sophomore year is almost ending. And to think, highschool is half way finished. Time is flying

Cardboardlove.com

We never say the right things do we? Or we just never seem to the say it to the right people at all. Who ever came up with cardboardlove.com was really sweet. I think we all need to send out pieces of cardboard love to each other everyday. I don't know why we forget to tell the people we care about that we love them. I mean, HOW stupid are we? We wait till the last minute... to confess everythin! And well, sometimes it's just too late.

We're not afraid to say all these mean nasty horrible things to each other. We gossip- we talk- about all the things we shouldn't say. Yet, when it comes to showing our feelings. Sayin I. . . love. . . you. . . Thank you. . . I'm sorry. . . To friends, family, the people who we ACTUALLY sincerely care about and cherish, we just can't seem to say it. Why? Why are we so funny.

When it comes down to it. Only a few things are going to matter- And two of them are going to be friends and family. Why is it gonna take a life-threatening moment or experience for us to wake up and smell the roses? People. Just say it. Stop being chicken. Tell them what you've wanted to say.

Thank you Sandra, Connie, Elise, Becca, Audry, Bria, Marco, Jason, Jessie, Peter, Suhwon, Abe, Ed, Geo, Grace, JK, Sam, Andy, Angie, ::BREATH::, Anna, Amy, Mom, Dad, JaeHoon, Victoria, Patrick, Kevin, Yeontae, Penn, Jane, Tammy, Miki, Monique, Christine, Jonathan, Sunny, Jon, Ryan, Alex, Darren, Monica, Julie, Soohyun, Mr. Josip, and many many! <33

Take a chance

Life Melody

I really like the sound of the guitar.
It's so refreshing and clean. You know?

If you listen to the songs where they just pick at the strings. It's just so very intriguing. You have to hear it.
It's quite amazing how something so simple can be so beautiful.

Music fascinates me. Maybe you've experienced one of those musical moments where you were just goofing, playing a few random notes, and happened to create this incredible sounding melody. I was improvizing with Taylor and Rebecca after school one day and we were just playing. Not for any occasion, but just playing for the heck of it- Taylor was strumming his guitar playing a few couple chords over and over again. Rebecca was just repeating a few notes up and down her string on violin. And I was just basically playing quarter and half notes on my cello. It was just a bunch of notes here and there all mixed together- not exactly the prettiest thing I've heard. But you know what? For a few split moments... no! More than like, for a few several minutes... everything just started to fit. We weren't trying to do anything, but somehow it just happened. And we began to be in sync with each other. It was as if all the notes had decided to arrange themselves to fit together. It sounded like a real something. It was amazing. Just so amazing! You can't understand the excitement I felt. It was just one of those nerdy joys. I guess it was just one of those "things".

So I've heard a lot of these really huge gigantic fancy symphonies and it's kind of funny how I've experienced some of the greatest musical moments in all these really simple passages. Maybe 4 or 5 notes played in a certain way. I mean I'll give you Jupiter by Holst for example. It starts off with this somewhat of a fanatic beginning, all these fast-paced-high-pitched-trilled-notes, it's exciting and all but it's just not the highlight of the whole thing. There's this reoccuring melody that's played throughout the piece and it's really simple but when the orchestra plays it midway in this one slow dramatic moment, it's incredibly moving. It's not even that complicated. In fact, it's really easy to play (I mean I can play it -0-). But it's really amazing how something not so complicated, can make you feel all these complicated things without even trying.

Ah, so I've gotten on a bit of a rant. Music is just that exciting of a topic! But the basic point I was attempting to get to was this: do we too often complicate the already beautiful melodies of our lives? I've found that too many trills, tremelos, and accidentals in some pieces only distracts the listener away from the real voice of the music. As does synthesizers and all these high-tech effects in a lot of current pop and hip-hop songs-

I think I'm going to redit my life melody. Take off alot of the unneccasary fancy trills I put in before. It's not going to be as exciting. And honestly, you may not even want to listen to it after. You'd be surprised how different my song would sound without it all. But the thing is, it would be me. It would be pure and it wouldn't be this fabricated mess of who I want to be. See, I've been going along with this "complicatedness" for such a long time I honestly don't even remember what the real melody sounds like anymore. It's funny how we try to be so much more than we really are. We make up this outer persona to keep ourselves from getting hurt. We think maybe if I put on all these "trills" it'll hide the fact I'm really scared. Scared of disappointing others. Scared of not meeting up to all their expectations. Effort is good, trying to become better is good. But eventually, you do have to ask yourself, is all my effort being pushed in the right direction? Afterall, you can only sing someone elses song for so long...

*Reference
Jupiter - 3:05 is that slow dramatic moment I was talking about http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L6NopU9K_8M

Give Me Your Eyes

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere,
Why have I never cared?

Chorus:
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah Yeah yeah yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what's underneath
There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work
He's buying time
All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared?

Chorus:
Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah Yeah yeah yeah
I've Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all along