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"And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older and you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it's already happened.'"

I've grown to be incredibly lazy lately- especially towards relationships. For some odd, terrible reason I've found it simply "easier" to let them be. Let them be as in, well, put no effort in. See, I've come to this ignorant conclusion in a way of thinking that: rather than to confront and work at problems in a relationship it's acutally quite, no in fact, much easier and less emotionally-draining to "pretend" that no problem ever existed. After an apt amount of time convincing yourself it really doesn't matter which way or another if you have a problem with that person, well, you get to thinking maybe their isn't a problem... it's a problem for them and a problem you don't need to deal with. It's a horrible philosophy and I don't recommend it. But I've used it. And lately, I've noticed... a lot of other people have started using it too.

So I guess for me, it's all been about the bad experiences. But let me tell you, it's one of the most terrible excuse for things. For one, if you keep using it, after awhile you get to thinking really selfishly. You get to thinking that it's not your fault for anything and whoever says else wise is either stupid or mean. And well my friends, I think we can both agree on one thing, blaming everyone else for your mistakes is not a good thing. So, taking the incredibly difficult task of investing your entire heart into something, only to be returned by having that thing, or person, or whatever it is, disappoint you in some way or another... is well... pretty devastating. So with that logic you'd think, maybe avoiding investing your entire heart into something, will keep you from being disappointed and devastated by that thing, person, whatever way you want to say it. But NO that's so beyond the scope of reality, the truth is you end up hurting yourself way more than you think.

I think as we get older we make up a lot of way to avoid being hurt by peoples. Some people try using humor to mask up their insecurities, others completely consume themselves in work or music or athletics to focus on some other thing, and well, some people like me... make up a long list of requirements that is impossible to reach by anybody. I am so judgmental about relationships. I analyze everything. AND I am the biggest hypocrite. All of this has been embedded in my personality and way of thinking, simply for the reason that I don't want to get my heartbroken. But who says being heartbroken is a bad thing?

I keep saying people as if I'm referring to other members of our society but really, I'm talking about me. I've built up this wall since- who knows when. And the things is. I've learned, building up a wall is a lot of hard work. Maintaining it is just as "emotionally-draining". Keeping people out, when really you want them to be closer to you, is lonely. And wanting to feel things, experience things, is incredibly difficult when something is blocking you.

Last year I went to Nashville for a mission trip and it was their that I realized being vulnerable is a good thing. I realized... sometimes, heartbreak can be a good thing. As one person says,

"Because when a heart breaks, it also opens; and once a heart opens any number of things can happen, and some of them can be wonderful."

I suppose if your ever want to experience true happiness or true joy you need to experience and understand true sorrow and pain. It opens your eyes to so many things. You can't see through a wall and that's why a wall ruins relationships. Because a wall makes you selfish. Consumed by only what you think and care to think. Sure people can break it for you, but thing about that is, well it's still being lazy. And that's where it all started, didn't it?

At first I thought my little scheme was working, and I thought I could keep up with it. But it seems that everytime I try keeping people away from me, I end up missing them more than I had ever imagined. And people aren't disposable objects. No, their precious. And we need to treasure those people we care about. We really need to. Cause ultimately, we really need them and maybe, they really need us too. (Plus, walls don't really seem to be a good idea anyway... Berlin Wall, Great Wall of China, eh not really good plan.)

"make a wish and place it in your heart. anything you want, everything you want. do you have it? good. now believe it can come true. you never know where the next miracle is going to come from. the next smile, the next wish come true. but if you believe that it's right around the corner, and you open up your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you just might get the thing you're wishing for. the world is full of magic. you just have to believe in it. so make your wish. do you have it? good. now believe in it with all of your heart." -- one tree hill