Before I Fall Too Fast

Run far away
So I can breathe
Even though you're
Far from suffocating me
I can't set my hopes too high
'Cause every hello ends with a goodbye

Nothing exists by itself.

WR '09

I’m home. It’s the strangest feeling- walking back through these front doors again. No more mountains. No more hills. No more endless starry nights.

This whole experience has truly been very humbling. In short, winter retreat for me has been a much needed reminder/eye-opener. I’m not exactly sure what I plan to do from this point on, but I do know that I will definitely try harder to reflect a more Christian-like life.

Hearing those raw, open-hearted confessions last night, I was really moved and touched by the honesty and courage of everyone who went up. Listening to some of my closest friends stand up at that mike and share their most difficult pasts and experiences, I felt like God was really trying to reach out.

I don’t know if it’s that I just haven’t been listening or if it’s that I just haven’t been trying hard enough. But for a long while now I’ve been holding up this “guard” and nothing has been able to break it down. It’s silly in all honesty- the effort I’ve put into avoiding new relationships. What a waste of precious energy right? I guess the reasoning for my thinking was, that if I avoided new relationships I would avoid the drama- the deception, the misleading motives. And in all honesty, it wasn’t THAT hard, cause all I needed was excuses like “I’m busy or ”I have way too much stuff to do.” I mean, the thing was though- while these excuses seemed relatively reasonable, they were more or less distractions to prevent people from knowing the real issue.

I guess that was and is my secret? That I have alot of fear of getting attached to people.

Nevertheless, I think it’s really amazing how God works. Having not been to one of these winter retreats I didn’t really know what to expect. At first I don’t think I was very receptive to the message, but after being surrounded by all the fellowship and youth group memebers I had’t seen for such a long time, it made me realize how much I missed and wanted this love again.

I don’t think anybody really “wants” to be independent all the time. I know I don’t. No matter how much I say it- I don’t want to be like that.

I’m trying to move past those “unfortunate experiences.”

I think, vulnerabilty is what makes us human. It makes us feel. It makes us understand. And I think that’s what I got most out of this winter retreat- that I need to reach out of my comfort zone again.

I suppose there’s always going to be people criticizing you, expecting you to be a certain way. But, I guess if Jesus stopped for every person who criticized him we wouldn’t have been saved right? (:

Overall, just a very good experience!
Many wonderful people. And I’ll write more about this later.

Sunshine mail is awesome. Haha.

The Little Engine that Could

I think I can. I think I can!

The pressure is on.

Christmas List

Every year when I start to write my Christmas list, it never fails to surprise me which names come to mind first. This year, it was Sandra, Kenny, Dong, and Jenny. And okay, those name shouldn't really be much of a surprise- but let's just say, I thought it was strange how different it was from the last.

As our year comes to an end, I still can't believe all the wonderful people I've come to grow close to and love. Those 4 mentioned above are only a few of the amazing friends that I've come to consider family members. I never had a chance on Thanksgiving to write about how much I appreciate all the people in my life. So with that- I guess I'm saying it now. In 100% sincerity, I can honestly say, my life wouldn't have been the same without you guys (: Yah, mucho mucho love.

It truly is hard to find people that you can be yourself around. People whom you can trust and rely on. With the hub bub and rush of today, I guess I have a few thank yous to say:

To my super duper best friend Sandra, thanks so much for being the person that you are. I know that I'm a complicated mess of insecurities and flaws but thanks for loving me despite. I can't say how awesome it is to have a person I can always count on, someone who's always there for me whether it's by listening to me in a long midnight breaking-down-crying phone call or by just keeping me company at Borders (: I love you! And I will protect you from creeper and all the weird nerds you attract. I also promise that one day I will find you someone who is hotter than Henry Lin AND Jay Chou! And in the instance that I can't- I will kidnap LinLin (my new nickname for Henry) from Canada (or wherever you said he lives) and wrap him in a box as a present to you for Christmas. You'll owe me (because I'll probably get arrested. Or, we'll just call it even for all the times you've covered for me during lunch and stuff.)

To my awesome big bro Kenny, thanks for all the rides and all the fun hang outs. But more importantly, thanks for being such a GOOD older brother- who listens to me complain about boys and gives me pepper spray for protection. I look up to you and really really really think that you're a genuinely good amazing person B) So, on that note, I'll remind you, that no matter what your parents say, there'll always be someone here who believes in ya. I hope that you go for your dreams and become a wonderful person who goes out and helps many people. As random as this may sound- I kinda have this feeling that you're gonna be a really good dad when! Hahahahahahaha.

[Ah, neck cramp- continue this later...]

I don't know you.
I don't even really know me.
And honestly, I don't know if I'm happy, scared or somewhere in between.

Tick Tock

There's never "enough" time-
to do this, to do that.
That's what they'll say-
and that's what I'll tell you if you ask.
But the truth is,
there's always enough time-
to do what you care about
to do what you think is most important.
So choose.
Choose wisely.
And if you can't-
If you really can't-
Make time.
Make it happen.
Because time is fleeting.

Did you hear that?
Did you hear it?

Tick- tock-
tick tock.

It's the sound of your life.
What will you make it?