The Ladybug Effect

2010-09-05T14:19:00.000-07:00

Good thing about stuff like this is that every time you learn a little more. This time I know better than the last time how to deal. Nah, it's not any easier
, but it helps. And that's the good part. One day I won't even have to cope with this crap (lol, just kidding not crap)... but anyhow, for now, that's what I'm doing. Coping. One step at a time.

December. So it's not a forever kinda thing. I just got to make sure my intentions are right. Don't need any of that secretive ulterior stuff. Next time I really will wish the best for that person.

Hm, it's not really the same as before. It's different. I'm not waiting for a someone. I'm waiting for my heart to heal and embrace this whole purpose. No bitterness. No. I refuse.

That's What Big Brothers are For

2010-07-09T21:59:00.000-07:00

"That's the thing. I know it's going to be okay. I just wish I could make this feeling go away right now."
"But you do know the thing about getting over things fast is... you have to make a big sacrifice. You have to be less human. And I know you don't want to do that..."

I'm Back

2010-07-07T20:09:00.000-07:00

I just can't write on Tumblr. So I think I'm officially back. Well back until I come back from YTI at least :) Thing with Tumblr is, I feel like I'll take up people's dashboards with things I want to say... Now I can finally write.

Anyways... where do I begin? Summer Oh Ten. So much to say.

Well, lets just start by saying, the thing I like and don't like about summer is how there is so much time to THINK. Sometimes I try to fill up my day with as many "events" as possible just to run away from brain. I know it sounds pretty silly, but occupying myself with a checklist of tasks really helps me avoid getting caught up in my thoughts.

I come up with the craziest hypothetical situations in my head. Seriously. I'm the type of person that usually just takes everything as it comes - decision wise at least- but, I worry like an insane person. I'm pretty sure I'm an optimist... but, do real optimist have to try to see the good things in everything? I try- but it usually takes some coaxing to get myself to believe the positive aspect of a seemingly bad situation.

I was pmsing like crazy earlier today. For a good thirty minutes or so. I felt pretty bad cause I ended up getting annoyed about something that really wasn't worth how much I got annoyed.

Anyway, so I'll be gone at Emory for the next three weeks. It's a theological camp. I'll get to learn about other religions and who knows what else. All I know is, I'm excited. Three weeks is more or less a month. I wonder if that'll be enough time to make me a better person. I feel like I just have so much to work on.

Patience.
Humility.
Thankfulness.

Those are my main three.

Oh gosh. It feels nice to just finally say what I want to say. I can't wait for this to all start.

I'ma definitely be missing some few special people while I'm away.
Three days seemed long... dang, three weeks?

2010-06-04T14:54:00.000-07:00

“The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it we fear we'll lose it. We fear that if we do not have love we will be unhappy.”

2010-05-16T16:57:00.000-07:00

Please don't take credit for something you didn't write.

2010-05-09T18:08:00.000-07:00

When it comes down to it we're kind of all the same.
We love and we hurt.
I guess we're all a little broken, whether we'd like to admit or not. All of us have something in our past that makes us afraid- something we'd rather just not repeat. And even though we often think that being scared is what make us weak, if anything, I think it makes us all the more human.

So I've been learning quite a bit of "stuff" these last couple of weeks. I guess going out with Daniel has made me more open to other people's feelings. I keep saying I guess cause I feel like "highschool dating" is so looked down upon in our Christian society and writing about my relationship with him makes me that much more vulnerable to judgement. But oh well, here I am writing about it anyways, I've learned so much about people through Daniel it's not even funny, and although I know some people may not fully "approve" I think I'm becoming a more understanding person because of him.

I use to be a 100% hopeless romantic but being in this relationship has forcefully made me accept reality. And it's not a bad thing- reality is what you'll always face, so I guess it's better to get with the program early. I'm not really sure how to organize all my thoughts right now, so here's just a few of the things I've been learning these days.

I think, I run away from my problems. I know I've done it before.When people are upset with me, instead of listening and trying to hear them out from their viewpoint, I always take it personally and push them away. Stop criticizing me. Who are you to say that? I say. I realize now that when my proud is wounded, I become an incredibly bitter person. And it's not anyone elses fault, it's mine.

I've also been learning that: each of us run on a different clock. Some of us have wounds that take longer to heal than others. I never thought I'd be on the other side of the fence- waiting for someone to open up to me because of something that had hurt them in their past. In my mind it had always been poor me that I never thought to think that someone could be afraid of me hurting them. How close-minded of me huh?

We're all kind of the same. And I truly do believe that every person is good at heart. God made us in His image right? So there must be good in every person right? Or even if we are "inherently evil" as some people say, we all must have the capacity for love right? So instead of picking at how different we are, instead of picking at each of our imperfections, maybe we should focus on the fact that we're in one way alike.

I was wrong to be so harsh on that "venting" entry. I'm very selfish. I know. I'll try want to do better. Nobody is perfect and I need to be more patient and empathetic.

Dear You,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I know I was at fault too. I know we get frustrated with one another, but it's only because we care that much. It's been half a year of knowing each other. 141 days actually. 141 days of talking to each other (because we talked EVERDAY since we met). Thank you. Thank you for caring about me. Sometimes we're just both a little bad at showing it. Haha. You've opened up my eyes a lot. I'm glad God let me meet you. I really really am (:

Graduation

2010-04-30T12:15:00.000-07:00

I sure am going to miss the Seniors...
Kenny. Sara. Siraj. Dong. Dennis. Joe Karen. Particularly.

It's funny how friendship works. One minute they're a stranger and the next thing you know, they're your friend (or brother, or sister in my cases -hehe-).

It's true. I haven't even talked to most of them recently. Schedules have been hectic. Days have been busy. Or correction I guess, I've been too busy. But for some reason, even though I haven't kept to as update with them I still feel like I can always go back to them. That's the beauty of certain relationships. There's enough substance and history to make it last in those dry days.

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

I could apply that quote to every one of those silly Seniors :) They've been there for me. And it's okay if they didn't always have much to say, if they didn't really give advice to me- because honestly, all I needed then was for somebody to listen. I didn't need someone to criticize me or tell me what I did wrong because I knew those things.

I guess alot of the history's come from last summer. It's hard to believe it's been a year already. Wow. Time flies by. It sure has this year.

Man, I love those kids! They better visit me.
And whatever happens, even if I do lose touch with them, I'll always remember them, each and everyone for their unique qualities that make me love them so so SOOO freaking much!

2010-04-11T17:03:00.001-07:00

I must honestly say, I am living the life right now. Spring break was pure relaxation. Now awaits only a few more weeks of torture... hahaha. I'm definitely not ready to go back to school at this point. I think I'm still dazed by Spring Break. It was a wonderful week of going to the library, reading Dear John, playing on the playground, and chilling with the friends at Stone Mountain! It was so nice to finally breathe again. I almost forgot what it felt like to be this carefree. Life is good. What else can I say?

2010-04-03T05:30:00.001-07:00

And maybe certain things are really worth taking a chance for... whether they are or aren't meant to last forever.

Thinking back on the last couple of weeks, I'm not really sure where my life is going. I'm not sure where this particular path is leading me- what God has in store for me today or tomorow. I do know one though: whatever happens, happens- and everything in this world happens for a reason.

You know how when you take a field trip the bus ride is always the best part? I suppose life is like a taking a field trip. Getting to that final destination is rewarding, but the ride, the journey, is what makes it so worthwhile.

And it's never about how much you get done on that bus ride, because honestly, how much can you really get done there? But it's all about how you decide to spend that time- and everyone knows that the bus ride is more fun when you're with your friends.

I'm continually grateful to God for the people He has brought in to my life. And I believe, even if there is that risk of being hurt or rejected, those people are worth taking a chance for. Whether they are or aren't meant to last forever there I'll never know till later. But in the end, I'm sure it'll all make sense, and I'm sure there'll all be a purpose behind it.

2010-04-01T12:24:00.000-07:00

I'm getting nervous about college.

2010-03-30T19:12:00.001-07:00

closing my eyes
holding my breath
praying to God
hoping for the best

For You

2010-03-27T13:35:00.001-07:00

There's a girl you look at and say,
"Wow, she really must got it all together."

Because she's always seems so cheerful, so joyful,
so happy wherever she goes.

Smiling and laughing,

waving at everyone she knows,

You wonder,

(perhaps even with some annoyance and jealousy despite your guilt for feeling so),

"Why is her life so great? What does she have that I don't?"

And you never consider,

that maybe her life isn't all that different from yours-

That she has her troubles,
her insecurities,

her fumbling doubts too.

Her moments of weakness-

that she just doesn't like to show (like you do).

And one day, it hits you,

and you finally do start to consider.

(Your annoyance and jealousy melts and they become replaced by curiousity and admiration.)

You see her smile and you think,
"Maybe it's not because she doesn't feel sadness like I do,

but because she knows that there's always a reason to."

There's a girl you look at and say,

"Wow, I wish I could be more like her."

And maybe she knows people look at her that way.

And then again, maybe she doesn't, but really should.

YES!!!!!

2010-03-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

I got int YTI (Youth Theological Initiative) Academy!

"The YTI Summer Academy gathers thirty-six rising high school juniors and
seniors from across the country to Emory University for a three-week experience
in Christian theological education. Our goal is to cultivate public theologians
for the church and world."

YAY! OHMYGOSH! :D

2010-03-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

Tumblr (haeunxcho.tumblr.com) will just be my music/image blog. I just can't write my personal thoughts on there. It feels too public- which I guess is kind of ironic considering this is a public internet site too, but, oh well! For the most part, I know which of you are reading this, so I feel more comfortable expressing :) Anyway... to the real topic.

So today I was thinking a lot about the whole concept of waiting. You know what they say:

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." -
Proverbs 4:23

I remember I use to say, "No boyfriends till college." That was to be my policy throughout highschool. Truth be told- half of the reason I said it was because I didn't ever expect to be in a relationship ever. But here I am, in one, and now I'm not so sure what to do with that old policy of mine. It's too late to say, "I'm waiting till college." And don't get me wrong, I'm pretty happy with where I am. Everday I'm learning- and the stuff that I'm learning is only that real-life stuff you get from experience. I'm actually really happy these- happy to the point where it scares me a lot... and then that's when I get bleh, because I start overthinking.

In any case, I'm still kind of confused. There's that whole idea of waiting and keeping your heart for that one person later and then there's that whole idea of taking a chance and living in the moment. AH!

You can't erase the past. It's always going to be there, right? So if you do something now, it's going to be marked in your history forever. It's going to be written all over your memory, written all over your heart.

I remember one time in the summer my mom and I were walking on the beach at Panama. I was asking her questions about when she was younger- when she dated people, etc, etc. (I was venting about someone at that time.) It was kind of weird hearing her talk about the "oppa" she liked- a relationship she had in college. It felt weird because my mom was talking about another man- a man that wasn't my dad.

I remember being told this metaphor about how your love is like a pearl necklace. Everytime you give away a part of your heart to someone it's like giving away a part of that necklace. Give your heart away so many times and all your "final soulmate" is left with is that little bit.

I also remember being told you should save your love for that special person because it's going to save that person a lot of hurt later. Which I understand- it would be kind of uncomfortable to think of how the person you really love was with someone else.

I mean, I've always liked the idea of "one life, one love" too- but I've been starting to wonder, is that just too much of my own fantasy, too much of my own hopeless romanticism?

I'm not gonna lie. I overthink. It's just a natural tendancy I suppose. But I'm so confused. How do you "guard your heart" exactly? Where do you draw the line? Sometimes I feel like I'm constantly living in fear- in fear of something that I don't even know is going to happen. Everyone thinks I'm an optimist, but there's times when I feel really insecure.

I'm so use to being independent. I never liked letting people get too close. People get to me and I get attached pretty quickly.

I think I'm more fragile than I'd like to admit. There's so much pride in me and I just don't want to look stupid again.

2010-03-17T14:42:00.000-07:00

10 Apologies to 10 Different People:

I’m sorry I expect too much from you a times.

I’m sorry I don’t put in as much effort in our frienship as I should.

I’m sorry for hurting you the way I did.

I’m sorry I judged you so quickly and didn’t give you a chance.

I’m sorry I didn’t listen.

I’m sorry I don’t call.

I’m sorry I don’t call back.

I’m sorry I’m not always there for you when you need me.

I’m sorry I’m not the best daughter.

I’m sorry I took you for granted.

I’m sorry- just for a lot of different reasons I can’t explain.

9 Confessions to 9 Different People:

I think you’re amazing. You’re absolutely gorgeous and beautiful in so many ways. I don’t think you always see it- but I do.

I think you’re starting to get to me. It scares me because I don’t want to get hurt again.

I really hope you’re my “big brother” even when I’m old and forty.

I don’t know what I’m going to do when you graduate.

I think you are such a good person. You’re always there for me no matter how long its been. I don’t think you should be so nice to me. I hope I can be there for you like you were there for me one day.

I don’t think I’m ever going to forget what you did to me. There’s always going to be a little bit of resentment.

Everytime I see you, I feel like I should be more like you.

I wish I could be as pretty as you.

I just don’t think your trustworthy.

8 Things You Wish You Could Say to 8 Different People:

You deserve an award for being the most generous person I’ve ever met.

I don’t understand how you can like so many girls so often. Everytime you make it sound like it’s ”different” like you actually mean it- like she’s the “one.” You say that you changed and I want to believe it too. But I don’t get it. How come everytime the end-result is the same? When are you going to see the true value of a relationship?

You are a great person. I wish I could tell you everday till you believed me.

You’re so confusing and I can’t ever tell what you’re thinking. I think you’re scared- just like me. So maybe you need to take a chance. Maybe you need to believe.

Don’t you ever lose hope. Don’t you ever feel lonely. You’re going to end up with such a wonderful person one day. You deserve the best!

Sometimes you can be quite a bit obnoxious…

Thank you. You don’t even know why. But thank you for everything.

That was harsh- but you taught me a valuable lesson.

7 Different People You Miss

Too many to name :)

6 Different People You’d Do Anything For

Too hard to answer :(

5 Things You Wish to Accomplish Before You Die

Fall in love.

Get married!

Have a family…

Add some good-

Find out what in the world I was put here for…

4 Words to Describe Your Life

Unpredictable

Confusing

Hopeful

Exciting

3 Things You Want to Hold on to Forever

Love

Family

Friends

2 Most Important Things in Your Life

Let me figure this out :)

1 Thing You know You Want but Will Never Have

Full Security of the Heart…

You cannot save people. You can only love them.

2010-03-12T13:30:00.001-08:00

It's so true- YOU can't save anybody. You can try. You can try by reprimanding them, telling them their life is in ruins. But what's the point? It won't do anything.

It's so true- YOU can only love them. It's more effective anyway. So stop the talking and preaching and show them what you believe is so important.

If there's anything that's going to save this word it's love.
Love is the universal anecdote to hate and pain.

2010-03-09T14:18:00.000-08:00

Thoughts of the Day

1. I need to reconnect with God. He's the missing link in my life right now.
2. The weather is absolutely gorgeous today!
3. Jealousy is a self-destructive feeling... I don't like it.
4. I want to watch the Notebook, Dear John, A Walk to Remember, and all the other Nicholas Sparks movies.
5. Everyone could use a nice picnic just about now- some time to eat, laugh, and play.
6. Please don't be so so sad. You don't need her to be happy.
7. My best friend Sandra deserves the most handsomest, nice boy!
8. I can't wait till the weekend.
9. It almost feels like summer.
10. Everything is going to be okay...
11. Have courage! Don't be afraid.
12. Life is quite pleasant.
13. I'm starting to get use to this.

I Miss You

2010-03-07T19:17:00.001-08:00

I miss you. That is all.

2010-03-06T15:02:00.000-08:00

There's just something about today that makes me smile. I stepped outside and everything seemed alright. It wasn't too hot. It wasn't too cold. And for that brief second, I thought my life was perfect.

Hahahahaha. My life perfect? What a joke! But after laughing at that thought, I really started to think- and well, I came to a happy conclusion.

My life is good. Very good. Yeah, not perfect. But perfections a drag ;) And I don't mean this in a "IN YOUR FACE! MY LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER!" No no no. I mean it in a- "My life is so much better than I make it sound with all my complaining."

Sometimes I dwell on the little things too much. This week I was getting so caught up in the future I was losing sight of what was right in front of me. It's so easy to see the flaws, the reasons why things won't work. But when you take a step back, and look, really look at what you have. You'd be surprised.

Today I'm just feeling so grateful. Everytime I go to homegroup my day starts off on a brighter note. It reminds me of all the wonderful things God has done for me. Even though my relationship with God isn't strong as it should be right now. I am constantly reminded of how much He loves me. I'm so thankful for the people in my life. I know I don't appreciate what I have enough because my own unrealistic expectations. But, right now, I don't think I could ask for more.

you can be happy tomorrow. you can be happy when you get through your list of things to do. you can be happy when you meet the one. you can be happy when you get the right job. you can be happy when you get that raise. you can be happy when you stop buying the things you need and start buying the things you want. you can be happy when you retire. you can be happy when the weather suits you. you can be happy on a plane.you can be happy in the rain. or you can stop reading this, take a deep breath, and be happy right now.

2010-03-06T15:01:00.000-08:00

2010-03-01T21:15:00.000-08:00

Dear God,
What should I be doing right now?

2010-03-01T15:58:00.000-08:00

"We sit silently and watch the world around us. This has taken a lifetime to learn. It seems only the old are able to sit next to one another and not say anything and still feel content. The young, brash and impatient, must always break the silence. It is a waste, for silence is pure. Silence is holy. It draws people together because only those who are comfortable with each other can sit without speaking. This is the great paradox." [this one's actually from the notebook]

2010-03-01T15:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wish I could just gather up all my favorite people and give them a huge hug.

Sometimes I wish I could extend time and make moments last forever.

Sometimes I wish I could lay down on a great big hill in the middle of night and just stare at the stars.

Sometimes, I don't care how silly it seems. Sometimes, I just want to believe.

2010-02-28T16:26:00.000-08:00

Just for the Record.

2010-02-27T18:10:00.000-08:00

No fancy words tonight. I'll just say everything as it comes.

So,
I was looking through some blogs earlier and was completely blown away. They were SO raw. (To tell the truth, I didn't even really know the people of the blogs I was reading, but by the end each of their entries I felt for them. Their pain? Their heart ache? Whatever they were trying to convey.) As I began to read over my old entries, I started to think about how "blehhh" they sounded. (Haha isn't this lovely writing?) They were such a diluted reflection of me (besides the old summer ones which were written when I was quite an emotional wreck). And well, I thought, maybe it's because when I write an entry I don't want to spill every one of my emotions out to the public. But then, I thought, maybe it's because I'm just too afraid.

So,
this week I had one of those "overthinking moments"- no, moments is an understatement of what it was. I was having a... hmm.... an "overthinking period"? (Yea, that's a better description.) I was constantly questioning a decision I had made. Not because anything was wrong (in fact, everything was great, almost perfect), but because of what a certain few people had said, certain few opinions they had expressed. Now, I could understand most of them. They were intended to help me, protect me, to make sure I kept my logical sensable head in place. But a few were from people who didn't really have much business in saying anything at all. (Then again, I suppose, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.) In either case, they all got to me. I didn't realize how big of a sucker I was for "crowd-pleasing" till then. I'm so easily influenced by what everyone else thinks. It's terrible it really is. And now that I look back on my week of overanalyzing, how silly it all seems- to think that I would have even thought of going back on my decision because of a few frivolous comments!

Just for the record. (Since everyone asks me about this topic at least 5x a day and all I ever say is "It's good.") I'm sticking with my decision. Yes, I am aware that it might not last "forever." Yes, I am aware of all the negative possibilities. But we all need to take a leap of faith. This is it for me.

What's the worse that can happen anyway? We live. We learn.
That's how I see it.

To be continued...

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain

2010-02-25T15:55:00.000-08:00

You see, you closed your eyes.
That was the difference.
Sometimes you cannot believe what you see,
you have to believe what you feel.
And if you are ever going to have other people trust you,
you must feel that you
can trust them, too—
even when you’re in the dark. Even when you’re falling.
++ Mitch Albom

Dear ________,

2010-02-21T14:58:00.001-08:00

Dear _______,

1) Thank you for always being there for me. I know that we haven't talked as much lately, but, please, please, remember this: You are my bestfriend and nobody (I mean nobody in this whole wide world) could ever take your place! I hope we'll always be best friends and grow up to be little old ladies together one day (:

2) I'm really glad I met you. You make me smile! I don't know where we're going or what kind of ride this is going to be... but I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. I don't want this to be just another story. So I'm going to try my best to show you who I am.

3)You're so much more than you think you are. You're beautiful, caring, and have so much to offer!

4)I was a fool for hanging on to you so long. But now I'm happy. I guess everything DOES happen for a reason :)

5)This is going to sound like a lame pick-up line. But seriously, I think you're the closest thing to an angel. I wish I was as nice and good-hearted as you T.T

6)I think it's awesome the way you can make everyone around you laugh and smile.

7) GIVE GIVE GIVE :) If karma works, you have a good future ahead of you. I want to be more like you!

8) I've known you for awhile now. You're basically a sister to me. You're funny, cool, and tough. I mean sure, I've seen that mushy side of you too, but I still don't know what's underneath all that "chill." I can't wait till that day when you let down your guard (even if it's not for me). I know you've been through a lot and it makes harder for you to show your emotions. But it's okay. You have people here to catch you if you fall :)

2010-02-19T12:19:00.000-08:00

[For the record- I didn't write this.]

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real.
But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must
build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

TODAY THANK THE PERSON WHO IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER HAVE BEEN PART OF YOUR LIFE
Even if a small way you can make them feel
That you are indeed thankful for their
Presence as well as the beautiful moments that they have given -
No matter if they are your reason, season, or your lifetime.

thank you lovelies :)
------------------

I remember I use to criticize you for worrying about the future too much. I kept trying to tell you that all that mattered was now and later would figure itself out then. I couldn't get through to you and I didn't understand why. I couldn't understand, why the chance wasn't worth the fight. Our fight. Now I'm starting to understand- I think I know why you worried so much. Sometimes you're afraid that people will mean too much && then the goodbyes... well, the goodbyes will be harder to say.

2010-02-18T12:34:00.000-08:00

"We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy." - Walter Anderson

2010-02-15T05:31:00.000-08:00

We're both looking for something
We've been afraid to find
It's easier to be broken
It's easier to hide

Looking at you, holding my breath
For once in my life I'm scared to death
I'm taking a chance letting you inside
----------------------------------------------

Sometimes you just got to take the risk, right?
Because it's all or nothing in life, right?
Dang, well I never thought I'd be this afraid-
To just let go and "go for it"...
Well, here I go anyways.
There won't be any regrets this time.
Catch me if I fall.

2010-02-13T07:22:00.000-08:00

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me

I guess I know where my strive for "perfection" came from...

2010-02-11T18:13:00.000-08:00

2010-02-08T17:03:00.000-08:00

2010-02-07T04:48:00.000-08:00

Just lean on my shoulder,
It's not over till it's over
Don't worry about it cause
I'm gonna make sure our bond gets stronger
I don't wanna wait till the storm and something wrong and now you're gone and I can't find you

2010-02-06T20:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Heart

2010-02-06T20:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Heart,

It's been some time. I really do think it's time for you to move on. I mean, I know you say you're over all of that.... but for someone who's "over it" you sure don't seem like you've let go. It's still written all over your face. It's obvious. Just look at the way you doubt everyone. You're so suspicious. I know you think they're all going to do the same thing. But stop. Stop looking back for once. You know you're only making it harder on yourself, right? Let's think of the past as lessons learned. An experience gained. You're stronger now. Remember? You've come a long way since then.

Dear Heart,

It's okay to take a chance. You know you have people to fall back on. Friends that'll be there even when things get tough. So I know this is risky... and scary as anything. But I think it's time. I think it's time for you to just let things happen.

2010-02-03T17:27:00.000-08:00

I have way too much pride. I'm too afraid to fail.

2010-01-30T10:27:00.000-08:00

Finally done with that chapter of the book.

Here comes the next....

I'm on my way to happiness.

2010-01-28T15:31:00.000-08:00

Let our eyes say words we’ll leave unspoken
When we're trying to be careful
And words can be so confusing
When we're trying to be careful
But
not too careful...

[our eyes] song lyric mode (: hehe

2010-01-28T15:27:00.000-08:00

If the heart is always searching,
Can you ever find a home?
I've been looking for that someone,
I'll never make it on my own
Dreams can't take the place of loving you,
There's gotta be a million reasons why it's true.

-When You Look Me in the Eyes [Jonas Brothers]

2010-01-25T16:44:00.000-08:00

I had this strange thought the other day. I started wondering: what would it be like if everyone had a themesong? Like, if every person had this magical aura of music playing around them all the time. I mean, it wouldn't be just one song, it could change- and when that person was talking the music would stop so you could hear him... but still, I wonder: what would it be playing? What would it sound like? What would it be like? To hear the inner most thoughts and feelings of your friends and well, complete strangers. . .

I remember after reading The Minister's Veil I started thinking a lot about how so many of us wear this facade- this mask of something we're not.

Honestly, the scariest part of meeting new people isn't going up to them and starting a conversation. No, that is by far the easiest step. Getting to know them is pretty easy too... but at the same time, that's where it starts to get a little iffy. Once they start to open up, you start to open up, and then you get all those feelings and somewhere along that way they make a mark on you and you get attached. See, I don't think it would be so bad if everyone let down their guard for a moment. In fact, I think it would be beautiful if everyone just exposed their true colors... but I guess it's not that easy.

Rejection hurts, and it scares me to death to think: that maybe, maybe if I were to let down my mask, to play my themesong in the public, people would judge and turn their head around and decide, shes's not really good enough, she's not really what I thought she was and walk off.

2010-01-24T19:44:00.000-08:00

I got dizzy reading this -.-"

2010-01-23T18:57:00.000-08:00

Dear Best Friend,
Thanks for being the amazing person you are. Thanks for always being there- when I need y ou and when I don't. Thanks for listening to me- hearing all my complaints. And thanks, thanks for being their "worst nightmare" and being mad when I can't be. Thanks for looking out for me and always having my best interest. Thanks for hating on those losers even though I know you don't mean it. Thanks for laughing at my corny jokes and always being understand. Thanks for acting weird with me and always making me feel wanted. Thanks for loving me despite all my terrible insecurites and thanks for being someone I can always count on. Thanks best friend, I hope this little blog entry tells you something you already know. Cause you the best and I absolutely mean it! <3 BFFFE!

2010-01-21T15:20:00.001-08:00

For some reason acoustic love songs always seem to sound more "sweet".
Yea, they're a little quirky and awkward, but they're so raw and genuine.

Everytime I watch a Youtube video of some guy playing their guitar, singing some corny love song for their girlfriend, I can't help but want that.

Forget the Hollywood Titanic love story.
Bring on the quirky, awkward kids who can't talk to their crushes.
I know it's cliche and kind of kiddy, but I'm just so tired of this over-dramatic nonsense. I'm giving up on perfection.

I know so many of us are looking for that "knight in shining armor," but truth is- underneath that shiny covering is just another normal human being. I know I'm known for having extremely unordinary expectations, but lately I've come to throw them away.

I figure,

We're human. We all make mistakes.
And there lies the beauty of loving and learning.

Plus, it's rather exhausting questioning everyone's motives.
Sometimes you just got a take a little risk.

I know that has nothing to do with acoustic love songs.
But my point is: I want to go back to the quirkiness and awkwardness of when we were little kids- just learning to love, just learning to live, just learning to experience everything for what it was.

2010-01-19T20:43:00.001-08:00

I don't ask for much.
Just that you be patient.
Patient enough to see me through my fears.

My insecurities.
My doubts.
My inability to trust.

I ask that you wait.

This heart has learned it's lessons.
It's grown cold.
It's grown hard.

So please, be patient.
I'm scared of the fragility of this all.

See me for me.
When I cry.
When I laugh.
Hear me.
Listen to me.
When I talk.
When I tell you what's on my mind.

One day these walls will fall.
One day I'll let them fall.
But till that day...
Wait.
Wait for me.
If it means anything at all.

2010-01-18T15:07:00.000-08:00

바보같이 너의 생각에 웃으면서 하루를 보내/
지금 이대로 우리둘 영원하자 서로 약속해/
너만있으면 난 괜찮아/ 내 곁에만 있어준다면 사랑해/ 항상 니 곁에 있을께 난 너만 있으면

this song makes me smile like no other (: <3

2010-01-16T05:17:00.000-08:00

2010-01-13T16:15:00.000-08:00

Those promises always seem to mean more to me.

2010-01-13T16:11:00.001-08:00

Just when things are getting real, I back out.

Scared. I don't know why.

2010-01-11T15:51:00.000-08:00

너무 소중해 꼭 숨겨두었죠
그 사람 나만 볼 수 있어요
내 눈에만 보여요
내 입술에 영원히 담아둘거야

2010-01-09T22:03:00.000-08:00

Song: Unfold
Artist: Marie Digby

Lyrics:
What I can remember
Is a lot like water
Trickling down a page
Of the most beautiful colors
I can't quite put my finger
Down on the moment
That I became like this...

You see I am the bravest girl
You will ever come to meet
Yet I shrink down to nothing
At the thought of someone
Really seeing me
I think my heart is wrapped around
And tangled up in winding weeds

But I don't wanna go on living
Being so afraid of showing
Someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet
Are trembling
And every word I say I'm stumbling
I will bare it all... watch me unfold
Unfold

These hands that I hold
Behind my back are
Bound and broken
By my own doing
And I can't feel
Anything anymore
I need a touch to remind me
I'm still real

But I don't wanna go on living
Being so afraid of showing
Someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet
Are trembling
And every word I say I'm stumbling
I will bare it all... watch me unfold
Unfold

My soul
It's dying to be free
You see... I can't live the rest of my life
So guarded
It's dying to be free
It's up to me to choose...
What kind of life I lead

Cuz I don't wanna go on living
Being so afraid of showing
Someone else my imperfections
And even though my feet
Are trembling
And every word I say
I will bare it all... watch me unfold
Unfold

I will allow someone to love me
I will allow someone to love me.

2010-01-09T20:34:00.000-08:00

If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.

2010-01-08T07:56:00.000-08:00

"You trust people to easily, sis."
"Well, sometimes I just want to believe that some people aren't as messed up as they seem."

2010-01-08T07:44:00.000-08:00

Say you gotta put the good with the bad, happy and the sad
So will u bring a better future than I had in the past
Oh Cause, I don't wanna make the same mistakes I did
I don't wanna fall back on my face again

2010-01-06T17:45:00.000-08:00

In the end things will work themselves out she told herself.
There's still so much out there. There's still so much to believe in.

2010-01-06T17:41:00.000-08:00

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty. -Maya Angelou

2010-01-05T17:32:00.000-08:00

So I sorta use to have the heart to talk to people that hurt me.
I'd keep smiling and pretend like everything was just like it use to be.
But I can't do that anymore.
These days I just can't seem to bring myself to faking "happiness".
I want the real thing.

2010-01-05T17:29:00.000-08:00

2010-01-04T14:03:00.002-08:00

I like having this secret. I like noone knowing about it.
(Okay, just kidding- maybe a few people know about it. But I'm not complaining.)

People just talk too much.
It makes my head hurt.
They don't really have anything important to say, but they just talk.
They don't know what they're saying.
They just need to hear themself.
It's a waste of words.
It's a waste of time.

Ho-ho. I like having this "secret."
There's no drama.
There's no ::whisper::whisper::.
Nobody is poking their head in my business.

I don't have to explain.
I don't have to justify.
I don't need to tell people why I think this or that.

I can breathe!

I can finally process the information as it comes.

I can base my decisions on facts.

Not worry about "rumors"-

I like having this secret.
I'll like it even if things go wrong.
Cause all I'll have to do is pick myself up and smile-
Take a ride and move along.

2010-01-04T14:03:00.001-08:00

Fear, it has its place folded in squares
Squarely tucked in the back pocket of our minds
And yes, it’s reckless to act but pointless to decide
Just let your world collide with mine

2010-01-04T14:00:00.000-08:00

만약에 니가 온다면 니가 다가온다면
난 어떻게 해야만 할지 정말 알수 없는걸
내가 바보같아서 바라볼 수 밖에만 없는건 아마도
외면 할지도 모를 니 마음과 또 그래서 더 멀어질 사이가 될까봐

::만약에 (If) - Taeyeon::

2010-01-03T17:26:00.000-08:00

This 2010...

2010-01-01T07:20:00.000-08:00

New Year Resolutions
-Make 1000 stars (:
-Get in shape! More muscleeee~
-Read Bibleeee: first up, Matthews!
-higher grades then last semester.
-5s on AP exams~
-volunteeer mooree.
-Listen to my parents more... ><
-Patience. Enough said.
-"Kill people with kindness." New philosophy? ;)

Before I Fall Too Fast

2009-12-30T06:58:00.000-08:00

Run far away
So I can breathe
Even though you're
Far from suffocating me
I can't set my hopes too high
'Cause every hello ends with a goodbye

Nothing exists by itself.

2009-12-28T08:41:00.000-08:00

WR '09

2009-12-23T16:26:00.001-08:00

I’m home. It’s the strangest feeling- walking back through these front doors again. No more mountains. No more hills. No more endless starry nights.

This whole experience has truly been very humbling. In short, winter retreat for me has been a much needed reminder/eye-opener. I’m not exactly sure what I plan to do from this point on, but I do know that I will definitely try harder to reflect a more Christian-like life.

Hearing those raw, open-hearted confessions last night, I was really moved and touched by the honesty and courage of everyone who went up. Listening to some of my closest friends stand up at that mike and share their most difficult pasts and experiences, I felt like God was really trying to reach out.

I don’t know if it’s that I just haven’t been listening or if it’s that I just haven’t been trying hard enough. But for a long while now I’ve been holding up this “guard” and nothing has been able to break it down. It’s silly in all honesty- the effort I’ve put into avoiding new relationships. What a waste of precious energy right? I guess the reasoning for my thinking was, that if I avoided new relationships I would avoid the drama- the deception, the misleading motives. And in all honesty, it wasn’t THAT hard, cause all I needed was excuses like “I’m busy or ”I have way too much stuff to do.” I mean, the thing was though- while these excuses seemed relatively reasonable, they were more or less distractions to prevent people from knowing the real issue.

I guess that was and is my secret? That I have alot of fear of getting attached to people.

Nevertheless, I think it’s really amazing how God works. Having not been to one of these winter retreats I didn’t really know what to expect. At first I don’t think I was very receptive to the message, but after being surrounded by all the fellowship and youth group memebers I had’t seen for such a long time, it made me realize how much I missed and wanted this love again.

I don’t think anybody really “wants” to be independent all the time. I know I don’t. No matter how much I say it- I don’t want to be like that.

I’m trying to move past those “unfortunate experiences.”

I think, vulnerabilty is what makes us human. It makes us feel. It makes us understand. And I think that’s what I got most out of this winter retreat- that I need to reach out of my comfort zone again.

I suppose there’s always going to be people criticizing you, expecting you to be a certain way. But, I guess if Jesus stopped for every person who criticized him we wouldn’t have been saved right? (:

Overall, just a very good experience!
Many wonderful people. And I’ll write more about this later.

Sunshine mail is awesome. Haha.

The Little Engine that Could

2009-12-08T18:31:00.000-08:00

I think I can. I think I can!

2009-12-05T14:46:00.000-08:00

The pressure is on.

Christmas List

2009-12-04T18:54:00.000-08:00

Every year when I start to write my Christmas list, it never fails to surprise me which names come to mind first. This year, it was Sandra, Kenny, Dong, and Jenny. And okay, those name shouldn't really be much of a surprise- but let's just say, I thought it was strange how different it was from the last.

As our year comes to an end, I still can't believe all the wonderful people I've come to grow close to and love. Those 4 mentioned above are only a few of the amazing friends that I've come to consider family members. I never had a chance on Thanksgiving to write about how much I appreciate all the people in my life. So with that- I guess I'm saying it now. In 100% sincerity, I can honestly say, my life wouldn't have been the same without you guys (: Yah, mucho mucho love.

It truly is hard to find people that you can be yourself around. People whom you can trust and rely on. With the hub bub and rush of today, I guess I have a few thank yous to say:

To my super duper best friend Sandra, thanks so much for being the person that you are. I know that I'm a complicated mess of insecurities and flaws but thanks for loving me despite. I can't say how awesome it is to have a person I can always count on, someone who's always there for me whether it's by listening to me in a long midnight breaking-down-crying phone call or by just keeping me company at Borders (: I love you! And I will protect you from creeper and all the weird nerds you attract. I also promise that one day I will find you someone who is hotter than Henry Lin AND Jay Chou! And in the instance that I can't- I will kidnap LinLin (my new nickname for Henry) from Canada (or wherever you said he lives) and wrap him in a box as a present to you for Christmas. You'll owe me (because I'll probably get arrested. Or, we'll just call it even for all the times you've covered for me during lunch and stuff.)

To my awesome big bro Kenny, thanks for all the rides and all the fun hang outs. But more importantly, thanks for being such a GOOD older brother- who listens to me complain about boys and gives me pepper spray for protection. I look up to you and really really really think that you're a genuinely good amazing person B) So, on that note, I'll remind you, that no matter what your parents say, there'll always be someone here who believes in ya. I hope that you go for your dreams and become a wonderful person who goes out and helps many people. As random as this may sound- I kinda have this feeling that you're gonna be a really good dad when! Hahahahahahaha.

[Ah, neck cramp- continue this later...]

2009-12-04T18:46:00.000-08:00

I don't know you.
I don't even really know me.
And honestly, I don't know if I'm happy, scared or somewhere in between.

Tick Tock

2009-12-03T16:12:00.001-08:00

There's never "enough" time-
to do this, to do that.
That's what they'll say-
and that's what I'll tell you if you ask.
But the truth is,
there's always enough time-
to do what you care about
to do what you think is most important.
So choose.
Choose wisely.
And if you can't-
If you really can't-
Make time.
Make it happen.
Because time is fleeting.

Did you hear that?
Did you hear it?

Tick- tock-
tick tock.

It's the sound of your life.
What will you make it?

2009-12-02T19:23:00.000-08:00

Rascal Flatts

2009-11-23T15:05:00.001-08:00

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

2009-11-23T14:55:00.000-08:00

wonder who i'm gonna promise that to...

2009-11-20T16:14:00.000-08:00

Things I've come to realize . . .

That moping about the past doesn't do anything.
That moving on helps you see.
That sometimes the people you want most aren't the people that you need.
That friends are freaking amazing (and that you only really need one or two of them).
That taking risks is part of making things exciting.
That crying doesn't neccesarily mean that you're weak.
That everybody has the abilty to change.
That love is rare and not easy to obtain.
That parents are annoying but have your best interest.
That people talk but that you shouldn't believe everything they say.
That people lie and break promises but always have good in them.
That being lonely is no excuse for pretending to like somebody.
That highschool isn't just for "preparing" but also for making things happen.
That the world is bigger than just boys and games.
That practice doesn't make perfect but that trying counts for something
That I'm really tired and I need to stop typing.

Eh.

2009-11-20T15:48:00.000-08:00

So here I am on a lovely Friday night... at home, with a computer on my lap- Listening to Saying I Love You by Wonder Girls and In My Heart by J-Walk. I could be going out with my friends right now and hanging but I'm tired and I think its time for some down time. I'm exhausted. Plain-ole fall-to-the-ground exhausted. Life's been one big workout these days. Intense, intense I tell ya. Ho, but you wanna know what? Me and Geoffrey got 1s on the Solo/Ensemble evalauation! Woot, woot, practice pays off :) Anyway eh, this is just about the worst entry ever. And since I'm not in the mood to organize my thoughts and say some insightful revelation- I'm think I'll go bullet point a bunch of my thoughts. Ya! I think that's what I'll do from time to time. Cause even though you're suppose to have one central point when you're writing, I happen to have ALOT of points I want to tell yah- yah, you, whoever is reading this.

Legacy - Nicole Nordeman

2009-11-18T14:07:00.000-08:00

I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy
Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

Me, Myself, and I

2009-11-13T15:40:00.000-08:00

"This is the most important part of your highschool career, Christina. You need to work hard, get good grades, and do really well on the SATs- by that, I mean 2200 at least. "

I just got home from dropping off Calvin and Ryan at church. Rawr- I really wanted to go.

I miss going to Home Group. I haven't been in forever. I miss the singing and praising, the bible groups, the meeting new people, the everything. Bleh, I'm feeling so overwhelmed these days. There's so much to do and so little time. I know junior year's suppose to be tough but I really hate having to give up so much of my time for work and school. SAT classes alone take up 10 hours of my weekend. I am seriously gonna blow my mind if I hear another thing about right triangles and finding the sum of blahblah consecutive numbers.

Everyone says "you're going to have to make sacrifices." But at this moment I really don't know if I'm making the right ones. I feel like we're all constantly preparing for this "future" when all thats really happening is right now.

I've got the grades. I'm taking the classes. But I'm not accomplishing anything worthwhile-
I'm lacking something. I really really am.

Blehk, you know what else I don't like?
I don't like how I complain so much.
No one likes to hear people whine.
No one likes to hear about how my days not going right. -____-"
I hate being so serious and tense-
I hate having to say "I can't" to my friends because I'm so busy.

Goshness.
You know what I need to do?
I need to stop focusing on myself so much.
I need to step outside of my little world and accept the fact that I'm not perfect.
After I finish practicing for Solo/Ensemble, I'm gonna start writing my Christmas cards.
Ya, I gotta start.

2009-11-13T15:24:00.000-08:00

I would love to do something outrageous just about now. Something completely awesome and amazing and out of character. I've been feelings restless. Let's make something happen.

2009-11-13T15:13:00.000-08:00

It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubts.
It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.
It takes strength to feel a friend's pain,
It takes courage to feel your own.
It takes strength to hide your faults,
It takes courage to show them.
It takes strength to keep people out,
It takes courage to let them in.
It takes strength to hold on,
It takes courage to let go.
It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live.

And maybe someday We'll figure all this out Try to put an end to all our doubt Try to find a way to make things better now And maybe someday we'll live our lives out loud We'll be better off somehow, someday.-Rob Thomas

True That.

2009-11-13T15:11:00.002-08:00

"Don't settle for anything less than someone who loves you. Don't love when you're lonely, love when you're ready. Don't think that it happens all the time, either. Holding hands while walking down a high school hallway isn't love. Real love is hard to come by, but it comes. Maybe not for a while, but it shows up at some point. All of us are loved, but sometimes that person you want isn't in your life yet. Don't worry. They will be. Stop waiting for it."

2009-11-10T20:36:00.000-08:00

I knew this day would eventually come,
when those words would eventually be spoken.

But do you know what I never expected?

That when those words were spoken...
I'd look at you like any other person...
I wouldn't be moved.
I wouldn't be shaken.
I wouldn't even give it so much a second thought
(like I would have then- before).

See, it's funny how long it takes some people to realize what you mean to them.
But it's even funnier how by the time they reliaze, you''re already gone.
The past is the past-

Irreversible. Done.

so word of advice: move on.
because if there's one think I've realized, it's this:

If you have something good.
Appreciate it while you have it.

He wasn't what I wanted, what I thought no. He wouldn't even open up the door. He never made me feel like I was special. He isn't really what I'm looking for. -Avril Lavigne

2009-11-07T15:51:00.001-08:00

"in some ways, you're pretty lucky. you opened your heart, you put yourself out there. you were ready to make that leap. i'm envious. i wish i knew what that felt like. to find someone who makes you wanna swim the east river in january." -Ugly Betty

2009-11-07T15:34:00.001-08:00

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a  different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again. -The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Let's Escape

2009-11-06T18:29:00.000-08:00

After hearing so much about the new korean drama Iris, I decided to find out what all the hype was about... For all you skeptics... all I have to say is, holy cow! I just finished watching the first two episodes- and the characters, the music, the plot are all great. I have to admit, it's a lot better than I expected. It's a thumbs up.
Dang. I am such a loser. I always get sucked into these dramas. I know it's so dorky and cliche to say... but, I always feel like I'm one of the characters. Hahaha. Ohhhh my. I definitely need more excitement in my life.

You know, I don't think I would mind being a secret service agent. Be in the CIA. Do something cool like that. Sure, there'd be the whole your-life-is-always-in-danger and the you-could-die-at-any-moment factor- but thinking about it- that doesn't seem entirely too bad. Being a secret agent, you'd always have that sense of purpose. You'd always know that whatever it was you were doing would be pretty darn important. Ya, I guess there'd be a butt full of responsibility and risk involved- But, maybe if you were constantly reminded of how crucial your task was you'd learn to appreciate life a bit more... learn to make every moment count.

Hm, maybe I get so into these dramas because it lets me live in my fantasy world ::for a moment at least::. I'm not gonna lie- sometimes when I watch these dramas I start to develop small littles crushes for the characters. I don't even know their names most of the time- but I always end up wishing that the next dude I would meet would be like one of them. The ggangpeh that goes good for the girl. The guy that waits ten years to tell her I love you. Aw, how sweet. I'm a hopeless romantic!

Sigh. Everyone seems to be in a relationship or feeling completely lonely these days. I don't get it. What is it about this season? The cold weather? The time change? I mean, I guess after what I said, that would put me in the "feeling completely lonely" category... but actually, I'm pretty content with where I am.

You know what I liked about Kim Tae Hee in Iris? She's seemed totally independent. I know all the guys are drooling over how pretty she is (which she is). But I liked how strong and confident she was. I LOVED that the guys in the drama never knew what to expect. My mom says girls need to be more like her. She told me that if you're too nice, the boys will run all over you- take advantage of that. Truer words were never spoken. There is such a thing as being TOO nice sometimes.

I like to escape every once in awhile. But I get it- this is the life I'm stuck with. Right here. Right now. And you know what? I'm perfectly okay with that. It''s okay that I'm not a top secret agent and that I'm not the prettiest gal in the world- and you know what else? It's definitely okay that I don't have a muhsinun guy who likes me. Because honestly, I don't need all that to be happy. I have wonderful friends and amazing family that make my life worth living. What more could you ask?

2009-10-31T15:11:00.000-07:00

Of all those things I listed: clowns, scary movies, cockroaches... people scare me the most. I find them to be quite terrifying. Trusting people has become incredibly difficult for me. All the pretending. All the misleading. All those wrong intentions. Eh, they get to me. I think it scares me to get close to people again- and I can see it happening, I'm building up that wall again. I'm quieter these days. I talk but I don't really say what I want to say. All the talking people do, it scares me how words get so easily twisted and they always spread. I think it scares me to meet new people. Because once you meet them, its hard to let them go. And once you start caring, it's hard to pretend that you don't. I know we're all humans, prone to making mistakes- so I guess it's just time for me to be brave. . .

Because as much as I am scared, I really do want to know what it's like to care about someone. I want to know what it's like to let someone in. I want to be able to trust and love completely.

2009-10-31T15:08:00.000-07:00

"I mean, i got everything a need right here with me. i got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. i mean, i love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen, or who i'm gonna meet, where i'm gonna wind up. i figure life is a gift and i don't intend on wasting it. you don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. you learn to take life as it comes at you, to make each day count. -Titantic"

2009-10-31T15:07:00.001-07:00

To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget.

Halloween

2009-10-31T14:22:00.000-07:00

What scares me...

Pop-up links...
Clown movies...
(All horror movies really-)
Dark scary places...
Watching "America's Most Wanted"...
Cockroaches.
Nightmares.
People jumping out of random places...
Losing loved ones...
Meeting a cute boy.
Getting in over my head...
Liking him...
Players/Jerks/People who play with other people's emotions.
Rumors...
Lying...
Getting misunderstood.
Rejection.
Hurting.
Falling off a rollar coaster...
Sharp, pointy objects...
College.
Not becoming that person I'm suppose to be.

2009-10-31T14:18:00.000-07:00

"Love Test"

2009-10-30T12:26:00.000-07:00

1. You are walking to your boyfriend/girlfriend's house. There are two roads to get there. One is a straight path which takes you there quickly, but is very plain and boring. The other is curvy and full of wonderful sights on the way, but takes quite a while to reach your loved one's house. Which path do you choose? Short or long?

If you chose the long one, you take your time and do not fall in love easily.

2. On the way, you see two rose bushes. One is full of white roses. One is full of red roses. You decide to pick 20 roses for your boyfriend/girlfriend. What color combination do you choose?(Any combination including all one color is fine.) All red but one.

The number of red roses represent how much you expect to give in a relationship. The number of white roses represent how much you expect in a relationship. Therefore, if a person chose all red with one white, he/she gives 90% in the relationship but expects to receive only 10% back.

3. You finally get to your boyfriend/girlfriend's house. You ring the bell and the maid answers. You can ask the maid to please get your loved one, or you may go get them yourself. Which action do you take? Ask the maid or do it yourself?

This question shows your attitude in handling relationship problems.If you went and got your loved one yourself, then you are pretty direct. If there is a problem, you confront it and deal with it. You want to work it out right away.

4. Now, you go up to your girlfriend/boyfriends room. No one is there. You can leave the roses by the window sill, or on the bed. Where do you put the roses? Bed or window?

The placement of the roses indicates how often you'd like to see your boyfriend/girlfriend. Placing the roses by the window show that you don't expect or need to see your loved one too often.

5. Later, its time for bed. You and your loved one go to sleep, in separate rooms. You wake up in the morning, and go to your boyfriend/girlfriend's room to check up on him/her. You enter the room: Is he/she awake or sleeping?

Finding your boyfriend/ girlfriend asleep: You accept your loved one the way they are.

6. It's time to go home now, and you start to head back. You can take either road home now: The plain, boring one that gets you home fast; or the curvy, sight-filled road that you can just casually take your time with. Which road do you choose? Short or long?

The short and long roads now represent how long you stay in love. If you chose the long one, you tend to stay in love for a long time...

2009-10-30T04:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes for a split moment, a flash,
a sudden BURST of an incredible thought occurs to me.
And like an inspiration or an awakening to life-
a single breath of truth washes over.
And everything becomes clear-
Clear to me like the sky.
And this sudden realization shakes from deep within,
Rushing, and gushing, and pouring all about.

Sometimes for a split moment, a flash, in a momentary place of solace,
I find and understand-
That hidden behind this web of fear and wonder lays an unexpecting gem.
A diamond in its strength,
A ruby in its passion,
The human heart that fails, but continues to love and try again.

Savior Please - Josh Wilson

2009-10-26T17:33:00.000-07:00

Savior, please take my hand.
I work so hard, I live so fast.
This life begins, then it ends.
And then I do the best that I can,
but I don't know how long I'll last.
I try to be so tough,
but I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone, God I need you to hold on to me.
I try to be good enough,
but I'm nothing without your love.
Savior, please keep saving me.
Savior, please help me stand.
I fall so hard, I fade so fast.
Will you begin right where I end?
And be the God of all I am because you're all I have.
Hallelujah!
Everything you are to me is everything I'll ever need.
and i am learning to believe cause you're the one who's saving me.

2009-10-25T05:33:00.003-07:00

Worry about your character not your reputation, because your character is who you really are, and your reputation is simply what others think of you.

2009-10-23T19:06:00.000-07:00

I need to pay more attention when I turn the corners in the hallway. I always end up running into somebody.

Today, I ran into an old friend. I wouldn't call this a reunion or a significant even event- considering I see this person every single day and all that this event was actually comprised of was me bumping into him and saying, "Oops sorry 'bout that," and walking on. But nevertheless, this little doodad (not sure what to call it) had a certain impact on my day. It occured to me at that moment that there are a lot of people I've grown really far from. Some that were inevitably people I would grow apart from. And others, I wouldn't really have expected to.

I remember how that friend and I use to be real friends- not to say we aren't on good terms now or anything. But it sure seems different than how it use to be. I guess even the closest friendships can grow apart in time without the proper taking-care-of.

And well, I suppose that is because relationships (just as a matter of fact) require alot of effort. It' s funny cause I don't think everyone seems to get that. And even if they do (including people like myself) we tend to do nothing about it.

I know that when it comes to picking up and returning phone calls, I am the worst person at it. And yet, when it comes to phone calls from people I've just met or people who rarely call, I tend to be a little better about the returing part. Now there's definitely something wrong with that picture. It seems as if we tend to take for granted those people who are always there for us.

Maybe it's cause after awhile we assume that they'll always be there. And while it's true that they very well may be, how can we ever know for sure?

It's a mystery I tell ya. And honestly, there's probably no good answer out there. And that's most likely because there really is no excuse for taking your loved ones for granted.

I've come to realize that maintaining relationships aren't as easy as everyone thinks. Yes, there's a level of trust where you can do your own thing- but at the same time I don't think it's ever a bad thing to remind people you love them.

"So it's not going to be easy. It's going to be really hard. And we're going to have to work at this every day. But I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day."

That's what Noah says to Ally. And I can't stress how important it is to work at something. There's always going to be bumps along the way. No two people are perfect. And I think that's what it's all about. Compromises. Reconciliation. Understanding. Through the good and the bad.

"But love, I've come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day. "

Everyone is so hyped up about this "love" between a girl and a boy. They're always searching and looking and hoping they'll meet "the one" as soon as they can. And yes yes, I want that too :) Who doesn't? But if you can't take care of the relationships you already have now, what use is it to have another? Appreciate those people you have right now. Treasure them. Thank them. Love them. ♡

2009-10-16T19:20:00.000-07:00

Never Change

2009-10-14T12:49:00.000-07:00

"You’re holding out for something big to happen
All you really need are my arms to be wrapped in
You know that, but you refuse to admit that I am the only one that you’re lackin
What happened to the passion? You’re lazy
Letting all the stupid things drive you crazy
I told you, I am everything you’re ever gonna need
So please let go of it all,
You see the pain that I felt for you then?
The gift you received with your every single “amen?
It’s been a few days, months, or years since the last time I took away your fears, your tears
I miss you…well did you know that?I paid the price so you never gotta look back
All I want is to love and be loved in return."
-Never Change [J.Han]

You know that feeling you get sometimes? That somethings kind of missing? That you're forgetting something really really important? I thought I was doing everything alright up to this point but then it sort of hit me that I've been way off track. Now that the storms calm and all the dust has finally settled, I'm starting to get a clearer of view of where I really am right now. It's so cliche- The whole process of trying to "find yourself." But. That's what I'm doing. Yup. That's where I'm at.

So I'm a Youtube addict. And everytime I listen to Never Change by J. Han I have to play it at least 3 times. The first time its the beat. Can't get enough of it. Hahaha. But the second, third, and times after that, its the lyrics. Thats the real thing.

What happened to the passion? You’re lazy
Letting all the stupid things drive you crazy
You know that, but you refuse to admit that I am the only one that you’re lackin

It gets me every time! I ask myself the same questions. Where did it all go? The passion? The drive? And all I can come up with is a list of superficial excuses...

So today I woke up with this sense of closure. And I realized that although its taken quite awhile, I've finally moved on. See, everytime I don't think I'm strong enough... I'm always proven wrong somehow :) Whether its through friends or just completely random incidents, I'm constantly reminded of how good this life can be.

Oh my, and I'm rambling right now. But I'll get to the point.

I have been lazy. And I have gotten my priorities mixed up these days. But. I'm finally awake! Now that I see where I am. Now that my heads screwed on straight. Its obvious what I've been missing. God. And I love my friends. They make everything so much better. And when I think about how lucky I am. How grateful I should be. How such hard times can be made beautiful again. I don't see how this life could be a consequence of chance. The people in my life. The way each and every one of them are so unique. How patient they are. How caring they are. How loving. I don't see how any of them could have simply been a random draw of nature. There must have been a designer when they were created. Everything about this life (kay, maybe not everything) is too beautiful and intricate to be a result of some big bang. There has to be something bigger. I mean otherwise, isn't this life pretty meaningless?

I'm not really sure what this entry is about anymore- whether its about me finding myself or if its about how great my friends are or its about how I've been missing God and how there must be God. I think its all three. As I'm trying to figure out and sort out my thoughts, all I can come to is this: Every single day my eyes are opening a little more to that "something" or in this case that "someone" I've been missing. And its through people like my friends that I see God's love and am reminded of how blessed I am. Its funny. Because this could have happened anyday. God was always there. Even when I forgot about Him, He was still watching over me, holding out His arms, waiting for this day when I would finally see what would make the difference.

Hm... this is definitely a stream of conscience entry. Welcome to my thought process- Yes, it's a mess.

You’re holding out for something big to happen
All you really need are my arms to be wrapped in

Just Laugh a Little :)

2009-10-14T12:14:00.000-07:00

Normally my entries are a little more sentimental.
But I could not resist! This made me laugh :)

Fearless

2009-09-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

To me, fearless is not the absences of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spit of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your freshman year of high school at fifteen. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again, even though you've tried before, you've lost. It's fearless to have faith that something will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think it's fearless to fall for your best friend, even if he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop saying, I think it's fearless to stop believing them. It's fearless to say, "you're not sorry" and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright... that's fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That's what I write these songs. Because I think love is fearless. -Taylor Swift

All Right After All

2009-08-25T14:44:00.000-07:00

"Do you remember the things you were worrying about a year ago? How did they work out? Didn't you waste a lot of fruitless energy on account of most of them? Didn't most of them turn out all right after all?”

I got over it (: